The Typical Kenyan Mother

So, just how would describe a typical Kenyan mother? This is a question that has so many answers.

A typical Kenyan mother is one who will take a handkerchief, apply saliva and it and use it to wipe your face your age not withstanding.

She is very unpredictable. Do any wrong and she will use anything and everything within her reach to give you a thorough beating; belt, slippers, mwiko, sufuria, handbag, your sibling e.t.c. Infact, most of us can attest to the fact that during our childhood, our mothers only beat us twice. The rest of the times, it was attempted murder.

You just trying blocking her slap. She will say you wanted to kill her. She can even call for a gathering of your whole clan to anounce how you attempted to kill her.

A Kenyan Mother is will give you a thorough beating then tell you ‘Si wewe nachapa. Ni makosa nachapa’

After giving a thorough beating, she will beat you again if you do not cry. Again if you dare cry, she will threaten you ‘ Niskie ukilia uone vile nitafanya ndo sasa ulie vizuri’

She usually sends a message to you just by looking at you. Just try to misbehave in the presence of visitors. The look she gives you will signify terror.

A typical Kenyan mother will have one reply once you decide to break cutlery in the house. ‘Vunja zote, zile zitabaki ukule….’

When it comes to replies, Kenyan mothers will always have the best answers. Try telling her you are hungry. The reply will be ‘Enda uoge mikono’ You and your naivety will do exactly that. She will then tell you ‘Chukua kisu, kuja unikate kate unikule sasa.’

Kenyan mothers will buy you oversize uniform and tell you that you will wear it until you complete your studies.

She will send you to get her a glass of water then you and your stupidity will ask a very stupid question; ‘Ya kukunywa?’to which she will respond; ‘Hapana, ya kubatiza sistako.’

She will call you from your bedroom upstairs to come pass her the remote which is just an arm stretch away

A Kenyan Mother will always have the same 3 words bed time story ‘Nikirudi nipate umelala’

At all times, she will have a big paper bag in which she will keep other small paper bags inside.

She will hear you complain of a stomachache and tell you ‘Ni kwa sababu ulikataa kuvaa sweta jana’ or ‘Ni hiyo simu. Kazi yako ni kushinda kwa simu kila wakati!’ You wonder, how does being on my phone relate to a stomachache but you can’t dare to answer back because….

You will find her asleep and decide the change the T.v station when she will suddenly wake up and tell you to change back to where it was

Make a mistake of responding to her with the syllables ‘si’ e.g ‘ Mum si nilikuambia nitachelewa.’ My friend, you will start making your own funeral plans.

All in all, they are still our mothers whom we love dearly. A mother is every child’s first best friend. A mother is every child’s first teacher. On this day, I want to wish all mothers (present and future) a Happy Mothers’ Day.

I would want to recognize a few groups of women. I do not intend to open any wounds. The first one is those who have raised and continue raising children who are not their own. May the Lord God bless you. To those Mothers who’ve lost their children, that does not make you less of a mother. I celebrate you. Happy Mothers’ Day.

Another special group is of those who have lost their mothers at whatever age. Some have risen above all odds and even raised their siblings. They have been their own mothers and even a mother to their siblings. I celebrate you all. Happy Mothers’ Day.