It’s Saturday evening and as you retire to bed, your Mum reminds you to wake up early so that you are not late for church. Going to church is not your cup of tea. You halfheartedly agree to her. This is not a request but a command to be followed promptly.
You go to bed with complaints. You ask yourself why your mother should determine how your relationship with [your] God/ god should be. After all, the last time your father ever went to church was during one of his friend’s wedding that took place more than 15 years ago.
You start cursing in your heart. Before you sleep, you decide to go through a few Whatsapp statuses and you regret taking that decision a few minutes later. Your friends are posting pictures of themselves having fun in a certain event that you had so eagerly waited for but your Mum cancelled or interfered with your plans at the last minute. You even had your ticket ready and a killer outfit for the same.
Sunday Morning, your Mum knocks at your door and sarcastically says, ‘Your Excellency the Governor, its time to wake up!!’ She reminds you that you have to go to church as long as you are living under her roof. She gives you 25 minutes to wake up and get ready. You hastily wake up to meet her demands. You are still very sleepy and honestly speaking, you are not in the mood to go to church.
Amidst all the halfheartedness, you manage to beat the 25 minutes deadline. As you are leaving, she reminds you of your hair. Her two worst enemies are your phone and your hair. Apparently, you spend too much time on your phone which prevents you from doing your chores and you have dreadlocks that she considers dirty and thief-like. She even suspects you are a member of a dangerous outlawed criminal gang.
You manage to fix your hair and are about to step out when she complains that you cannot go to the Lord’s House with rugged jeans. You try to argue that the Lord looks at the heart but eventually bow to her demands and change into something more formal.
Again she complains that you are dragging her behind. You tell her to proceed and that you will come in later. She hesitantly agrees and leaves. You go back to viewing online stories and try to call a few of your friends to tell you how the party went down and in the process lose track of time. You realize that you are running late and hurriedly leave.
On getting to church, you try to look for a seat somewhere near the door at the back but one of the ushers show you to a seat somewhere near the front row. Its been a while since you attended church service plus you are so late and as you walk to your seat, everyone is giving you that glance as if you promised them that you would come to church accompanied by Jesus Himself. Your Mum gives you those blood shot frightening eyes.
As you settle down, its offering time. You never thought of that. You have no money on you. You walk over to your Mum and ask her to lend you 50/-. She again gives you that piercing eyes look. She wraps it into your hands like a bribe. You walk over to the offering basket and drop it. As you walk back to your seat, you spot your ‘old friend’ and wink at them. They wink back too.
Suddenly, an explicit Gengetone song that has been banned by the esteemed Ezekiel Mutua is heard in the church hall. Oh crap, it’s your ringtone. Everyone turns their attention to you. The church leaders stare at you as if you are the devil. Amidst the resulting embarrassment, your Mum threatens you.
The situation cools down and the pastor starts his sermon. Every single word coming out of his mouth seems to target you. The actions he describes as evil are all which you partake. You feel like the worst sinner on earth. At some point, you lose concentration and sleep.
Finally, the long sermon is over but not before an announcement is made that all youth members should be left behind for a brief meeting. You and your friend are the first one out of the church compound.
You trying to avoid the youth meeting and the greetings that come after the church service accompanied by alot of questions of how you have been and why you have not been to church for such a long time. Most especially, you are trying to avoid your preacher and other church officials because you feel as if they can see through you and know all the sins that you have committed. Long live Church sermons.